Whispers

I walked
alone
cool
and shy
To call
upon
a friend
who'd died
"Hello?"
I called
to a row
of stones
"Soon"
echoed
inside my
soul.

Stu Gets A Ride

Last minute Craig had someone cancel on him so Scott and I played with U Who? tonight. It was a ton of fun. Stu the guy you call when you're stuck in a line gets a lift from two guys in a tow truck.

Thought Vacation

Back in 2009 I rode my motorcycle out to Richmond. It was one of the best vacations I've ever taken. I explored the city during the day by myself, went out with Matt and Katie in the evening, and did a show with the RCC. This is a picture from Byrd Park. I sat on the bench, read, and ate a granola bar. It was a warm September afternoon. It was a simple moment but a perfect one. I felt free and comfortable and relaxed.

Whenever I feel stressed or frustrated or stuck I remind myself to pause. I remember the many things I have to be grateful for. And sometimes I close my eyes and think back to a moment of joy.

From time to time you need to take a vacation from your thoughts.

Graffiti 85

I find this disturbing but interesting. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's obviously surrealist influenced. If there is symbolism or a message, I don't understand it. It's certainly not pleasant to look at. Intriguing but ugly. It strikes me as horrific, it's jarring, scary. I've been thinking recently about horror. It's never been one of my preferred genres but Vince suggested V/H/S which I just recently watched and very much enjoyed. In a way horror is a confirmation that there is something else out there. Something we don't know about, something unexplainable, something other. Lurking at the edge which we only glimpse.

“Dive again and again into the river of uncertainty. Create in the dark, only then can you recognize the light.” -Jyrki Vainonen

"Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places." -H.P. Lovecraft

"Life's true face is the skull." -Nikos Kazantzakis

A Disturbing Dream 6

I'm getting married. I'm in a hotel lobby outside the ballroom where the ceremony and reception will take place. A lot of friends, relatives, and people I've never seen before are there. I'm frantic, I don't know who I'm getting married to. My dad comes up to me and tells me I have to get married. He's made some contract with someone that is only sealed when I get married. He won't tell me if it's a guy or girl. I look for Punam and I can't find her and for some reason I know its not her I'm getting married to. I panic. I see three well dressed men in white suits drinking by the bar and I become convinced I will be married to one of them.

I put on my tux which is all black and western styled. I think if I have to get married this is the best thing I could get married in. I have an idea. I can't get married if I'm already married. I go back out into the milling crowd and try to find a friend to get married to. Moments before I saw a bunch of familiar faces but now I can't find anyone I know. I start sprinting through the crowd, running into people, sweating and panicking.

At the end of the hall I see my high school girlfriend who I haven't seen in six years. She's married.

HSGF: Looking for someone?
Me: Yeah. I need to get married.
HSGF: You're about to.
Me: I don't know who it is. I'm looking for someone I know.
HSGF: Now you know how it feels. Enjoy.
Me: What?
HSGF: (points) It's starting.

The ceremony has started and the bride is walking down the aisle. I'm somewhat relieved it's a woman but I don't know what to do, I'm tempted to run. Someone grabs me and I'm being man handled toward the front of the room. I'm deposited at the alter. The bride is lifting up her veil.

I awoke.

'Django Unchained' & 'Les Miserables' Reviews

Django Unchained is a western revenge film from Quentin Tarintino. The film opens with Dr. Schultz(Christoph Waltz) freeing Django(Jamie Foxx) from slavery. Dr. Schultz teaches Django how to be a bounty hunter and the first hour or so of the film is dedicated to their exploits. After the winter the doctor and Django track down Django's wife who is in the possession of plantation owner Calvin Candie(Leonardo DiCaprio).

The chemistry between Waltz and Foxx is electric. It's an absolute joy to watch them simply interact. DiCaprio and Samuel L. Jackson also turn in great, dark, diabolical performances. The film is violent but not ultra-violent. It's no more violent than any other action movie but because of it's racial content has gotten some criticism. My only problem with the film is it's length. The film seems to end and then take a 40 minute unnecessary victory lap. Tarintino still has his flare for character and dialogue but something in his stories and structure has been lacking in his recent films. Django is an entertaining film but has no desire or design to go further.

See It.

Les Miserables is a musical drama based on the stage musical based on the historical novel. This was my first introduction to the story and overall I was nonplussed. I thought the story was interesting but the live singing was more of a distraction than an asset. Some songs were out of tune because the actors were overcome with emotion. I understand wanting the actors to act but not letting it hamstring the song. The biggest problem I had with the film was that almost every shot was a close up. I felt like I was in the face of every character every time they sang. We could see snot and tears and sneers. Not stuff I really want to see in any movie or at least not all the way through it. I thought a lot of the songs were catch and I enjoyed them but overall I think I would have rather seen a stage production.

Rent It.

New Years Through The Years

Last night was a great New Years. In the past I've always put a lot of pressure on doing something exciting which more often than not is a disappointment. When I think about it all I really want to do is spend some time with people I love. Yesterday I spent a nice relaxing afternoon with Punam, went out to dinner with Vince, Amy, Clayton, and Nicole, then met up with Punam at Second City for the count down. It's always nice to be around people and feel that celebratory atmosphere but this year there was no unreasonable expectation it was just fun. Getting older probably has something to do with it, figuring out what I want to do and doing it rather than buying into this New Years hype. The new year is a good time for reflection and I've been thinking about my new years past.

NYE 2011- Punam had a fun dinner party and later in the evening we watched movies and snuggled. It was a good new year but I was feeling angsty. I still had this pull or idea that I was fighting against- where's the place to be, lets do something momentous. At the time I don't think I was that comfortable in my own skin and that was a portent for a portion of the following year.

NYE 2010- I went to a friend of Alex's house in the suburbs, away from parties and the hustle and bustle. I remember it being very warm and laying in the grass and running around with dogs. It felt like an attempt to escape parties and craziness but I think that's what I still wanted to do or thought I should want to do.

NYE 2009- Alex had a party at his apartment. Matt was in town from Richmond and we had a nice time. I partied too hard and misplaced my watch which Alex didn't find until the following summer. I remember having fun but still feeling disappointed the next day. I had the thought- that's it? I want more!

NYE 2008- I came into Chicago and met HP at a house party where I felt extremely uncomfortable. Towards the end of the night I met Alex at a friend of his condo. Everyone had left the party at that point and it was just Alex, his friend Ted, and me. We talked and made jokes late into the night. I remember it being the best new years I had in a long time.

NYE 2007- A total bust. I think I was alone for the majority of it. I spent the countdown on Navy Pier and watched the fire works. I got split up with the people I was with and it took two hours to get back to my apartment by public transit.

NYE 2006- I had to work until late and then made my way to a friend of HP's party. I didn't know many people there and partied too hard as a result. I remember feeling foolish and scared.

NYE 2005- I drove from the Twin Cities to Normal by way of Downers Grove to pick up a friend. I remember being unsettled at the two different parties I was at. I remember feeling alone and empty. Like I didn't fit in anywhere.

NYE 2004- The first and only time I felt like I did New Years right. Not by my standards but by this platonic idea of New Years. I was in Normal with Beanpole and Bob. I drank a lot and partied hopped and kissed a lot of guys and girls.

NYE 2003- I was in Rockford. Some high school friends rented a hotel room where too many people were packed into one room. I remember feeling desperate and edgy and aggressive.

NYE 2002- My first college New Years. I was in Rockford and my group of high school guy friends partied at one of the guys older brothers apartment. At the time we were all fascinated by getting drunk, it was still new. I remember dancing and singing and wrestling.

New Years is a good time for reflection. I think I'm learning how to be a better person and I'm trying to act on what I've learned. It took me a long time to get to this place and I think I was very selfish for a long time. But this is a new year and anything is possible.

The slate is clean.