Old Ambitions

I had a real hard time acclimating to Chicago when I first moved in 2006. So hard in fact I packed it in after a year and a half and moved back in with my parents. There were many mitigating factors of course but the size, the crowded isolation, the grind of the city drained me. Chicago chewed me up and spit me out.

Settled in Rockford, gradually putting my life back together, I wrote this song about how much I hated Chicago.


Who knew Myspace was still active, I haven't looked at my profile since I uploaded this song 5 years ago. Unfortunately it's been about that long since I picked up my guitar. I was pretty passionate about music all through college and for a couple years after. I use to practice almost every day, learn about a song a month, and every once in a while write one of my own.

When I moved back to Chicago in 2010 I just stopped playing. Got too busy, couldn't find the time, got interested in other things. I miss playing and singing. One of my goals for this year is to restring my guitar and start making music again.

Street Talk 16

Outside a Dunkin Donuts a woman with bleach blond hair who looked and sounded like Gus from Disney's Cinderella waited for me.

Woman: You got fifty cents?
Me: Sorry.
Woman: Asshole.

There are many perks to living in a big city like Chicago. Being constantly hit up for money and cigarettes ain't one of 'em.

Stark Blast

Frozen nose hairs inside nostrils
kissed by ice cap runoff sludge

Skin exposed and thus in danger
mindless- sheep bleet and buzz.

Arctic air invades a city,
masses cowed by frostbite threats

If I live to be a-hundred
the cold will be my one regret.

Reprieve

It was 50 degrees in Chicago today. Encouragement from the city and the world at large. Comfort and reassurance that the winter months will pass quickly. And at the other end, warmth.

"A light wind swept over the corn, and all nature laughed in the sunshine." -Anne Bronte

A Cold City

The Chicago winter has come on quick and vengeful. Kept temperate for the past couple years it seems this winter has much too prove. The city is not less welcoming but seems to be fortifying itself for a long siege, as do most of it's occupants. People travel less and with more purpose, bundled and distant. With thickening blood Chicagoans guard against the long dark. A temper of reservation spreads, anxiety and depressive traps are prevalent.

But time passes, the city pumps, and we preserver.

"I have struck a city - a real city - and they call it Chicago... I urgently desire never to see it again. It is inhabited by savages." -Rudyard Kipling

"A city is a place where there is no need to wait for next week to get the answer to a question, to taste the food of any country, to find new voices to listen to and familiar ones to listen to again." -Margaret Mead

A Moment Of Grace 3

I almost fainted on the train.

At times I'm in too much of a rush to eat breakfast. Usually this does not bother me. Often times I get a seat on the train for my morning commute but when I'm running late I do not. Usually this does not bother me. Most commutes I'll listen to podcasts like Radiolab or Mental Illness Happy Hour which at times have subject matter which is graphic or disturbing. Usually this does not bother me.

Standing on the hot, crowded train I began to feel light headed. The Radiolab episode I listened to, describing Kenyan runners, took a hard right turn with a detailed description of a particular tribes violent right of passage ritual culminating in circumcision. It was described in excruciating detail. I began to feel really sick. Then the trained stopped.

I began to sweat, nausea hit me-boom, my legs weakened. I figured I could power through if the train kept moving. It did not. One minute dragged into two, then five, with no sign of getting moving and no update from the conductor. I was going to pass out. Sooner rather than later. I swallowed my pride, tapped the woman next to me and warned her I felt sick and needed to sit. She barely moved or acknowledged my presence. I sat on the train floor wedged into a corner surrounded by people on their phones.

Most of my fellow commuters were pointedly ignoring me. One young woman did not. She was hipsterish with a curly fauxhawk and almost immediately gave up her seat to me. I unslung my bag took off my coat and panted for a good 5 minutes with my head between my knees. The feeling passed. The train resumed movement. The young woman tapped me on the arm and asked me if I needed something to eat, needed some sugar. I smiled weakly and said no and thanked her. The rest of the train ride was without incident.

Typically I would be ashamed that I almost had a fainting spell on the train. But the immediate kindness and concern of one person in a sea of people playing Candy Crush really made me feel good, made me hope. And just like you, I'm human, sometimes I get sick on the train.

R&R

I headed to Rockford to see my sister and celebrate my dad's birthday. Nicole came with and we spent a good deal of time lounging around watching Master Chef Junior. Great show.

 

It took me a long time to become accustomed to Chicago. The size and speed. Now I don't really think of it. Rockford by contrast is much more sedate. It's nice to go back and just relax, decompress.

But after a day or so I get antsy. It's more open in Rockford, more space-less people, more nature which I love. But I want to be on the move. Need to be. I love my childhood home and the city I grew up in, it's a great place to recharge. But it's not home anymore.

Content

Tisher, Joey, and I leaving Groupon.

Tisher: Oh. Look at that moon.
Me: (take out my camera and take a picture)
Stranger#1: Oh, yeah, that's a great pic.
Stranger#2,3,4&5: Oh, oh...the moon...the Hancock...cool...(etc.)
(Strangers 1-5 take out their phones and take same picture I'm taking)
Joey:(walking away, to me) You gotta get that on the Gram bro.
Tisher:(as if quoting) He who posts first, experienced most.

Some Love For The CTA

People complain a lot about the CTA and with the creeping insidious monopoly of Ventra and unpredictable delays there are negatives. But. For the most part the CTA is a marvelous thing. Sweeping and efficient, you can get to wherever you need to go in a reasonable amount of time with little to no stress.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all CTA employees. I've had nothing but positive interactions from anyone I've dealt with when asking for and receiving assistance. Some of them seem bored or worn down which is understandable and even then I've never felt negativity directed at me. And there are a number of people, like the chipper verbose train conductor, who bring so much energy, positivity, and happiness into the commute.

Next time you complain about the CTA or its employees try to put things into perspective. It must be a totally thankless job, a neverending grind, the trains keep running-the buses keep rolling. Remember those train or bus rides with crazies or drunk douchebags that ruined your day, they have to deal with that kind of stuff every day-all day.

The Chicago Transit Authority is a wonderful, easy, convenient system. I think sometimes Chicago residents take it for granted. And the bus drivers, the train conductors, the station attendants, are people- generally nice with their own lives to get through. Don't forget to treat them as such.

A smile and a thank-you go a long way.

Sunsets #1

7/16/13

8/2/13

9/3/13

Ferris Wheel

Nicole and I rode the ferris wheel at Navy Pier. It was a first for both of us. It was always something I wanted to do but seemed too touristy for an actual Chicago resident.

(in line)
Nicole: I'm nervous.
Me: What? Why?
Nicole: I'm afraid of heights.
Me: (laughs) Well why are we going on this? We could go wander around the build-a-bear...
Nicole: No! (smiles) I'm over coming something!

You only get one spin around the thing but it goes incredibly slow so you can savour it. It was a warm, bright, sunny afternoon. No complaints in the world.

Shane!

I met Devo for the last 15 minutes of Shane tonight at movie-in-the-park. I love westerns and I've heard a lot about Shane over the years. One of my favorite books Zeroville has an extended scene where the main character discusses with a burglar if at the end of the film when Shane rides off he's going to die or not. After all the hype I wasn't stunned with the climactic shoot out with a young and dashing Jack Palance but the dialogue and the gravitas of the cowboys gave me gooseflesh.

I've never seen a movie-in-the-park before, I don't know why. It's a nice way to spend an evening- a cool lake breeze, fresh grass, and a shining crescent moon.

Thomas Jefferson Would Be Proud

The past couple years I haven't done much with my summers. I've been preoccupied or out of commission in various ways and rarely got myself out to enjoy the sun. I've tried to make more of an effort this summer to take advantage of the beautiful time in the city as well as put myself out there socially.

The past two years Tisher has hosted an Independence Day BBQ culminating with the reading of the declaration of independence which I loved. This summer that didn't happen so I had to venture out and fill my BBQ quotient elsewhere. I landed at MCat's which was a great time. Great music, tons of great people, and enough space to move around in. Parties sometimes turn me off if they're too crowded, too many people in a tight space, it drives me a little crazy. Today was the first time as a sober person where I felt 100% comfortable around people drinking, I talked to a lot of different people, made the rounds, and just genuinely had a blast and I never gave that part of it a second thought.

With a clear head being around people and catching up and shooting the shit is so much easier and enjoyable. I'm able now to take such genuine pleasure in listening and talking and cracking jokes without feeling self conscious or over analyzing. It's refreshing and stimulating.

After the BBQ a bunch of folks headed to Montrose harbor to watch the fireworks. Tisher and I laid in the grass and I tried and continually failed to take a good photo of the display.

The 4th of July doesn't hold much significance for me as a holiday. The founding of our country and patriotism and all that doesn't mean anything to me, I feel nothing about it. But the 4th of July is a great reason to get outside and talk to people and celebrate the summer and really feel alive. It's a great excuse and for that I am grateful.

It was a reason to gather with a group of friends and watch the night sky burn.

A Journey Into Magic Hedge

Tisher and I took a walk by the lake this afternoon by way of the bird sanctuary. I was stunned by all the names, both Latin and English, Tisher knew of all the birds we saw.

After about 20 shots of birds this was the one that turned out ok. Tisher said this is some kind of pest bird or something.

There were lots of boats out on the lake and I discovered my camera had a significantly longer zoom than I thought. I was able to zoom in on the richies taking their schooners out for joy rides.

Most of the boats didn't have names or they had more conventional names which didn't really spark my interest. Cheep N Deep however seems like the tooliest of tool names. I don't know what its even suppose to mean.

Tisher: Why would they spell cheap that way? To visually rhyme with deep?
Me: They want people to know they may be cheap but their pockets are deep.

Cover and Concealment

Baseball season and spring bring a lot of out-of-towners into the city. That part of the summer use to bother me. Every where felt crowded. I felt my unjustified ownership of the city being infringed upon. "I belong here and you don't" kind of a feeling. Riding the train home from work today I discovered a different feeling. Comfort. The train was packed with non-Chicago resident Cubs fans. Having so many tourists in town over the summer is like a security blanket, camouflage. There's a solidarity between Chicagoans that's not present in the winter. It's much easier to glide through the city unnoticed in the summer. And with so much commotion going on, with so many people around, you can catch some interesting things. People acting like they are unobserved because there are so many people around or because they know they may never be in this particular city again. I've observed some remarkable honesty.

With so many people in summertime Chicago not knowing where they're going you almost become invisible if you do know where you're going. I wouldn't like to feel invisible all the time but sometimes its convenient even fun. Seeing so many people who are so obviously other I feel closer to the city, more a part, not in an exclusionary way, but more a sense of home.

I also love the summer because so many more people ask for directions. I love giving directions.

A Moment of Grace 2

This morning I was feeling a little grumpy. I didn't get enough sleep, I woke up late, I didn't have time to enjoy my morning coffee and cigarette, the weekend seemed far away.

Standing on the train platform I was dreading the day ahead of talking to obtuse and/or agitated psychologists and scrounging the internet for entertaining things to read.

The sun came out from behind a cloud and warmth crept up my face. I looked up and on a roof top a block away I saw women dancing. Practicing some swooping joyful piece dressed in lively pinks and oranges. They were too far away to hear the music that accompanied them, if in fact there was any. Their movements were underscored by the rumble of trains, the mummer of my fellow commuters, and the ambient sounds of the city. It seemed so fitting, so right, so perfect.

I watched enthralled until the train arrived and whisked me away.

Tune Up

I've had 7 bikes in the city: 5 were stolen, 1 was ravaged by weather, and 1 I currently ride. Every spring I get my bike fixed up or, depending, purchase a bike for the coming season.

Every year I go to Nearly New Bikes on Broadway to get my tune up or a new(old) bike. It's a great hole-in-the-wall shop with great service and great prices. The guy who owns and runs the place is named Ron, for the longest time I thought the place was just called Ron's, he's quiet and watches over all the bikes like a little kingdom. It's a great place, not so hipstery where everyone there is a bike snob and not commercial where all the employees try to up sell you and take advantage of the fact you don't know anything about bikes. The only problem with it is it usually has a lot of volume so you may have to make more than one trip to get what you need.

My yearly bike repair or purchase feels like it starts the summer. I get my bike tuned up and I feel ready to hit the road, enjoy the sun, the wind, and battle the heat. I feel mobile. The chains and the webs of winter are finally shaken off. The road ahead is bright and warm.

And the summer full of promise.

Sun Through Tracks

When I was a boy
the city loomed
and swallowed me
As a man
it cradles
nutures
and supports me.

When I was a boy
I hated the city
fought against it
As a man
it's a part of me
a silent conspiraor
comforting and wise.

Darkness

I miss the dark. Chicago is a great place to live and I love it. But there are things I miss. Light pollution makes every night bright. There are street lamps on almost every street. There are no shadows, no secret places, nothing left to the imagination. Of course it needs to be light at night to keep people safe. Even so something is lost in big cities, a certain mystery, a connection to our past.

There are a lot of parks in Rockford where I'm from. One of my favorite things was to go out and hike at night. It wasn't pitch black but dark. My friends and I would take hikes using our night and peripheral vision to find our way. There was always a small bit of fear which in a way was thrilling. The fear was a childhood fear of the dark and as an adult feeling that fear is almost nostalgic. There's something fulfilling about going out and feeling an old fear, no matter how old, and overcoming it.

I worked at a camp in Rockford for seven years. Once a summer the staff would spend the night out in the park. Every time we did I would lead a night hike with no torches or flashlights. There's something comforting and evocative of the past about being swallowed up by the dark, surrounded by trees, and knowing which way to go. Or maybe not caring.

The most surprising things can be found in the dark.

Graffiti 90

Recently I've felt a little bogged down. By negativity and judgement. I know these things will get me nothing but they are easy, slippery, sucking things. I have to remind myself daily to avoid them. To expel them. To keep my heart open and inviting. To keep my mind clear and kind. To keep my spirit hope filled.

"The mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows." -Stephen King