Attrition

another commute
another delay
misery reaps
a fine bouquet

emotions crack
in brittle cold
fatigue exhumes
what once was bold

The Cold

No work today due to hazardous weather conditions. This relentless cold is draining. My mobility is hamstrung or at least the effort it takes to travel doesn't seem worth it most of the time.

Today I've obsessively cleaned my apartment and reorganized my movies and books. I watched the first three episodes of True Detectives(shows promise) and started a collage. I checked how much a tape player would cost and then I read for a little bit.

Now I sit and think of things to do, potential projects, and come up blank. Ice gathers on the window sill and the pane is frosted over. Soon I'll be able to go for a walk, run, ride a bike, or browse a book shop without having to bundle up and concentrate my will. This winter has been daunting and the extremity of the cold makes it drag on and on.

But the end is in sight, it must be. One more month or six weeks or eight. Sooner or later, warmth is inevitable. Spring gathers. We wait. Time ticks.

"You can't get too much winter in the winter." -Robert Frost

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

Photo Shoot

Today Tisher and I got dressed up and went out to Montrose beach and Marty was kind enough to take some pictures for the forthcoming season of Bubble Boys. It was freezing but surprisingly beautiful. Snow whipped with sand and everything frozen.

I imagine the pictures will turn out well, how evocative they will be of 1943 and WWII remains to be seen- Tisher and I in dress cloths being buffeted by the wind. But with some imagination, standing there coatless on the iced-over beach head, you can get a glimpse of what that fear might have been like, what determination it might have required. Bubble Boys is a comedy show and we've tried to exaggerate, lampoon, and absurdize 40's tropes and premises. We've endeavored both consciously and subconsciously to be respectful or at least walk the line around outright mockery.

Season 2 will be much more crass, bizarre, edgy, goofy, and dark than season 1 but hopefully not offensive. A teaser will be released January 29th.

Tisher Beseeches The Gods

"Hear my plea ye Gods of stone and tree, of moon and key, open your ears to this human worm.
The Giants of Winter and Old Night have once more emerged from their mountainous cloister and covered the land with their suffocating frost.
Gods! We wretched slugs despair! And cannot fight the icy hands, deathlike, upon our throats!
Mercy gracious Allfather. Mercy on us, your tortured creations, insipid in our imperfection."

"Oh, capricious Gods! The deaf ear of Dagr cannot deepen my misery.
Frost Giants, red eyed, reek havoc in Jörð's domain.
Soul-sick we swine of Hoárr are herded to a dank and certain doom.
Your paltry poppet doth plead and plead for spring.
Stay the cold! Stay the night!
Stop the frigid kicks to this lone curs side however deserved they may be!"

"How can one feckless nag endure this solitary chill?
Bone-bitten and heart-sore I wander this wasteland in white.
The only comfort- oblivion. The only companion- torment."

"Lo, Gods, see your creature, see him well.
Divine sludge rendered in your image.
Have pity."

-Andrew Tisher on winter in the Midwest

Reprieve

It was 50 degrees in Chicago today. Encouragement from the city and the world at large. Comfort and reassurance that the winter months will pass quickly. And at the other end, warmth.

"A light wind swept over the corn, and all nature laughed in the sunshine." -Anne Bronte

A Cold City

The Chicago winter has come on quick and vengeful. Kept temperate for the past couple years it seems this winter has much too prove. The city is not less welcoming but seems to be fortifying itself for a long siege, as do most of it's occupants. People travel less and with more purpose, bundled and distant. With thickening blood Chicagoans guard against the long dark. A temper of reservation spreads, anxiety and depressive traps are prevalent.

But time passes, the city pumps, and we preserver.

"I have struck a city - a real city - and they call it Chicago... I urgently desire never to see it again. It is inhabited by savages." -Rudyard Kipling

"A city is a place where there is no need to wait for next week to get the answer to a question, to taste the food of any country, to find new voices to listen to and familiar ones to listen to again." -Margaret Mead

Cycles 2

As the days pass Fall gets slightly more aggressive. I think this will be the last time my plants blossom before I retire them to the dark interior for winter.

I'm currently reading The Book Of Lost Things and there's a part where the Woodsman notices the main character David doing OCD counting and touching and talks to him about rituals and routines. Talks about doing small things of significance that make you feel good and have some tangible result.

My plants are part of my daily ritual and have brought me a substantial amount of contentment over the past spring and summer. Putting in time and energy, however limited, and seeing growth is a great feeling. Life moves in cycles-seasons-circles and now its almost time to take the plants inside and enjoy Fall things. Get ready for the cool and the cold, the holidays and the feasts.

To quote the great Stephen King: Ka is a wheel.

Red Rock

I miss the west. The wide open spaces. The mountains. The places where you can go and not see anyone for hours.

Adam and I went out to see the Beanpole in Colorado twice and did a lot of hiking both times. The second time we went to the Red Rocks where this picture was taken. I remember thinking it was the location of that scene from Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey.

I just finished watching Long Way Down the second season of the Charlie Boorman/Ewan McGregor motorcycle travel show. In it they ride bikes from Scotland to South Africa. It's an amazing show and it got me really inspired. I want to ride my bike across country, have an adventure, meet new people, and most of all see old friends. I could ride to Austin to visit Bob or Denver to visit Beanpole or Richmond to visit Matt.

This coming winter will be for planning, the spring for doing and the open road.

Thomas Jefferson Would Be Proud

The past couple years I haven't done much with my summers. I've been preoccupied or out of commission in various ways and rarely got myself out to enjoy the sun. I've tried to make more of an effort this summer to take advantage of the beautiful time in the city as well as put myself out there socially.

The past two years Tisher has hosted an Independence Day BBQ culminating with the reading of the declaration of independence which I loved. This summer that didn't happen so I had to venture out and fill my BBQ quotient elsewhere. I landed at MCat's which was a great time. Great music, tons of great people, and enough space to move around in. Parties sometimes turn me off if they're too crowded, too many people in a tight space, it drives me a little crazy. Today was the first time as a sober person where I felt 100% comfortable around people drinking, I talked to a lot of different people, made the rounds, and just genuinely had a blast and I never gave that part of it a second thought.

With a clear head being around people and catching up and shooting the shit is so much easier and enjoyable. I'm able now to take such genuine pleasure in listening and talking and cracking jokes without feeling self conscious or over analyzing. It's refreshing and stimulating.

After the BBQ a bunch of folks headed to Montrose harbor to watch the fireworks. Tisher and I laid in the grass and I tried and continually failed to take a good photo of the display.

The 4th of July doesn't hold much significance for me as a holiday. The founding of our country and patriotism and all that doesn't mean anything to me, I feel nothing about it. But the 4th of July is a great reason to get outside and talk to people and celebrate the summer and really feel alive. It's a great excuse and for that I am grateful.

It was a reason to gather with a group of friends and watch the night sky burn.

Humid

Summer stuffstuff spewing
from bloat ripped cloud seams
soaking my under arms
pointed pit stains
and redden my cheeks
with shame
not the season of the pea coat
but the season of the peepee coat
I think and giggle like the grade schooler I never was
warm unpleasant dampness
causing me to sweat and lightly soak
my collar which tends to stick
or chaff or trend toward stink
oh sweet summer you over lauded bog
sticky sponge air massaging
exposed skin like giraffe tongue
grip peeling white birch bark

I'd trade all barbecues:
those that have been Q'd
those being Q'd
and those yet to be Q'd
for steady jacket weather.

Summer Solstice

Today is the longest day of the year and the first day of summer. A time for change, development, and growth. Who knows what lays in store in the sun filled days and the warm clear nights to come. Summer rains and heat and big bright full moons. Potential, opportunity, and stirrings of feelings that have been asleep.

Celebrate the solstice and burn those things that remind you of winter and pain and loneliness.

Cover and Concealment

Baseball season and spring bring a lot of out-of-towners into the city. That part of the summer use to bother me. Every where felt crowded. I felt my unjustified ownership of the city being infringed upon. "I belong here and you don't" kind of a feeling. Riding the train home from work today I discovered a different feeling. Comfort. The train was packed with non-Chicago resident Cubs fans. Having so many tourists in town over the summer is like a security blanket, camouflage. There's a solidarity between Chicagoans that's not present in the winter. It's much easier to glide through the city unnoticed in the summer. And with so much commotion going on, with so many people around, you can catch some interesting things. People acting like they are unobserved because there are so many people around or because they know they may never be in this particular city again. I've observed some remarkable honesty.

With so many people in summertime Chicago not knowing where they're going you almost become invisible if you do know where you're going. I wouldn't like to feel invisible all the time but sometimes its convenient even fun. Seeing so many people who are so obviously other I feel closer to the city, more a part, not in an exclusionary way, but more a sense of home.

I also love the summer because so many more people ask for directions. I love giving directions.

Tune Up

I've had 7 bikes in the city: 5 were stolen, 1 was ravaged by weather, and 1 I currently ride. Every spring I get my bike fixed up or, depending, purchase a bike for the coming season.

Every year I go to Nearly New Bikes on Broadway to get my tune up or a new(old) bike. It's a great hole-in-the-wall shop with great service and great prices. The guy who owns and runs the place is named Ron, for the longest time I thought the place was just called Ron's, he's quiet and watches over all the bikes like a little kingdom. It's a great place, not so hipstery where everyone there is a bike snob and not commercial where all the employees try to up sell you and take advantage of the fact you don't know anything about bikes. The only problem with it is it usually has a lot of volume so you may have to make more than one trip to get what you need.

My yearly bike repair or purchase feels like it starts the summer. I get my bike tuned up and I feel ready to hit the road, enjoy the sun, the wind, and battle the heat. I feel mobile. The chains and the webs of winter are finally shaken off. The road ahead is bright and warm.

And the summer full of promise.

The Only Constant Is Change

Spring in the Midwest always seems very brief. And it always brings lots of changes with it. I got my insurance producers licence today, a situation I would have never predicted I'd be in. The license finally lets me take on my actual work duties without supervision. I don't enjoy my day job but I don't loath it either.  I can tolerate it with a smile and with little to no stress, a change in my self I never thought possible.

The weather is getting warmer and soon people will be complaining about the heat. Presently though we're in that wonderful inbetween. The cool heat of spring. It seems like everyone and everything is opening up, stretching out, and going back out into the world. People are being stirred up and change is in the wind. As I was walking to the exam building I saw this large patch of tulips. It made me forget all the pointless insurance nonsense I was storing in my brain for a moment. I took that moment to appreciate the view.

The tulips will be gone soon. But they're there now. And now is all that matters.

April Showers, May Flowers

 I came back to Rockford for the weekend to see my folks, sister, my friend Adam and his boys. I had a great visit with everyone and went on a walk with my sis at one point. We saw a bunch of beautiful spring flowers, enjoyed the sun, and I reveled in the spaciousness of the neighborhood I grew up in.

 We saw a ton of tulips(my favorite flower) and daffodils.

 A couple small dogwoods.

 I think these are phlox but I'm not sure.

 More tulips!

 A couple gorgeous magnolia trees. Adam has one in his yard.

 Tons of daffodils, I'm not really fans of these things, overexposure maybe.

I got to see Adam and his boys Ethan and Eli. We played outside with some sidewalk chalk and glow sticks, then went inside and played with action figures for about an hour and a half. Toward the end of the night we we're flipping and flying and throwing the boys around. Probably not the best idea right before they went to bed but it was a great night. The highlight of my week. It's a joy to see Adam so happy and to be a part of the family he's making.

Rockford is my hometown. A great place to visit to decompress, see the stars, and smell the grass.

 

The Last Rose

As I walk around the city I see a lot of wilting dying flowers. This may be the last healthy flower that I see this year. Winter is coming. I'm not dreading it but I'm certainly not looking forward to it.

There's something comforting about a bright flower in a patch of brown fallen leaves. Something resilient. A pocket of warmth in the cold.

It gives me hope.

Fall

The leaves are changing in Chicago. Some already falling. It's getting colder, then warmer, then colder again.

It's my favorite time of the year. There's something earthy about it. You know time is passing. Things look different, smell different, taste different. We go from activity in the summer to reflection in the winter. And in between we have this gentle limbo. This comforting cool.

Enjoy it while you can.